Company

Even though the very rare time comes… where I want to coop up in a corner in a dark room, at most times I want to be out in the open. I want to babble away till the person in front of me says ‘remember to breathe.’ I often find it difficult to connect with people who prefer being alone in the trying times of their lives.

I mean how can they just be by themselves when they’re down and out? Doesn’t feeling loved count… by the people who do? Irrespective of how many times over someone says ‘you can do this’, ‘believe in yourself’, ‘I am here for you’, I can keep hearing it over and over again. The comfort that comes along with company can hardly be substituted by the sound of the constant whirring in your head. Or the traffic sounds outside your window.

I remember my first ever job interview. I was a bag of nerves and someone (who meant the world to me) had to wait on me downstairs till I got done. Also there was the support of constant text messages and reassuring smiles till I went right through the door of my interviewer. Now that meant more than any tangible thing ever could.

Another time, when I was going through my first ‘real’ break-up, I tried very hard to do the whole ‘I want to be alone’ thing. I would lock my room for sometime and feel so terrible, that I’d keep coming out on stupid contexts like wanting to take a bottle of water from the fridge. After an hour, on one till-then-wretched Sunday, some delectable aroma started wafting out of the kitchen. To my very mixed emotion state, I realized my mother had cooked all of my favourite stuff so that I could ‘find my solace’ in food. I hadn’t known whether to laugh or cry. But I do know know that the meatball curry and rice mixed with the ‘lau’ of the mother made most of the pain go away.

Now for the downside of it. Everyone is not as lucky as I have been even with the few people in my life. And there’s also the whole pressure thing. What if things go wrong and I can’t call someone and tell them I want to quit my 2 day old job? What extent am I going to go to just to be comforted by company? It’s all very overwhelming. But then I am the talker – a personality trait that defines me. That ain’t changing because things can go wrong. Because I might not have anyone to talk to tomorrow. (Quickly crosses fingers and hopes fervently for days filled with the company that cares)

Dedicated to all the people who have never left my side when I needed it the most – I will send you guys this post personally.